I didn't know how to feel as I drove over to see him. I mean, how does one feel when the person who just beat the shit out of them a couple months prior tells you they have 3 months to live. It was one of those instances that opens the flood gates to your heart. I had blocked out everything that had happened (because that is what I do best) now, I was going to have to deal with it. Was I prepared for this? Guess I would find out soon enough.
Once there I called so he could come let me in. I'm not sure what I expected to happen, but when i saw him coming towards the door I knew it wasn't going to be bad. He had lost so much weight, his head was shaved which didn't help his overall appearance, he looked like a cancer victim to be perfectly honest. He opened the door, smiled and thanked me for coming over.
Once in his apartment I asked, "so what did your Doctor tell you?" His response was "It doesn't matter, I don't want to talk about that right now." OK I thought, well why am I here if you don't want to talk about it.
There was then that idle conversation that people have when they are trying to avoid really talking to each other. After we covered all the basics, and still not knowing why I was there I said "OK, well I guess I should be going." The boy told me not to go, he wanted to apologize. He felt so bad about what he had done, he didn't know why he had done it. He said he hadn't been taking his medication and he thinks that is what caused such a violent reaction. Now he didn't tell me what medication that was, I only knew of the methadone and I knew he hadn't stopped that. He said he was so sorry and to please give him another chance. I was speechless. I didn't know what to say, how to react I just sat there dumbfounded.
He went on to tell me that he had gotten really sick after we broke up and ended up in the hospital, that is why he had lost all the weight. I told him that he didn't look bad, and I then told him I needed time to think. So much had happened, yes I was falling in love with him, but that was before he decided to beat me senseless. He said he understood, and with that I left.
A few days had passed and work had gotten totally out of control. I was working round the clock and starting to get sick. I hadn't called the boy back, I still wasn't sure how I felt about the whole situation. He had called me the night before but by the time I got home it was all I could do to get through the door without passing out. Not wanting to leave the boy wondering what was going on I sent him the following email:
"Sorry I never called you back the other night, I have been a bit under the weather. The Flu to be exact, and it kind of kicked my ass. I guess all those 10 hour work days caught up with me. Starting to feel better now. Anyway, I have been thinking of about the other night for a while, well, pretty much everyday sense the other night to be honest. The thing I don't understand is why you called me. I mean, I told you, and I meant it, that if you ever needed anything I would be there. Although our last "date" almost made me take that one back, but I didn't/wouldn't. So..... why did you call me? Truthfully. I mean, it's not like our relationship was that stable. Don't get me wrong, when it was good.....WOW was it good, but when it was bad...... yeah.....
And I'm not sure if the good (as much as I miss the good. Damn.) is worth living through the bad. I fucking hate it. I wish I could change it, but I bring something out in you that probably isn't a good thing. You don't even know what happened after I left you that night. I mean, the next morning at 8am I had to fly to Vegas, bloody, black eye, dislocated jaw, scratches, you name it. I couldn't eat anything for 2 weeks besides smoothes and soft food. I could barely open my mouth. The physical pain wasn't nearly as bad as the embarrassment of meeting all those new people completely beat up. So, I need to know. Why did you call me? Please be honest. Please reply. I obviously have given you the benefit of the doubt, but I need to know. I hope you are doing better, and by the way, you didn't look bad when I saw you. I wish the past could be erased, I really did love holding you."
I meant every word. When things were good between us, my god, I never wanted him to be anywhere but by my side. When they were bad, well, we all see what happens when they are bad.
