I cannot exist without you, I am forgetful of every thing but seeing you again, my life seems to stop there, I see no further. You have absorb'd me. I have a sensation at the present moment as though I were dissolving... I have been astonished that men could die martyrs for religion. I have shudder'd at it . I shudder no more, I could be martyr'd for my religion. Love is my religion, could die for that, I could die for you. My creed is love and you are its only tenet, you have ravish'd me away by a power I cannot resist. -John Keats

Love is the most beautiful of dreams and the worst of nightmares.
- William Shakespeare

The Break Up Song - Veruca Salt

I crawl out of sight for you, dear
I melt with the night, I disappear
I won't have more fun with you
never get drunk with you
I'll let you go for good

I've pulled it apart for you dear
I wait for my heart to shift gear
I'll never sleep late with you
never get baked with you
I'll let you down for good

I'll never go back to you
never shoot smack with you

I'll let you go for good
I'll let you go

That statement really didn't hit me till later because I had blood running down my arm from where he had bit me.

I'm not sure I will ever be able to understand why he would say that. Every time I think about it my mind almost prevents me from fully analyzing it because it's so disgusting. No matter what had spawned the argument, there is nothing that i could have said that would warrant using my diseased father as a tool to hurt me. It's just sick. So I must live in denial, it is not something that can be discussed. Sometimes repressing memories isn't always a bad thing, right?

There was also my arm, left with his teeth marks and dried blood. Now, I know that transmitting HIV through biting is almost impossible, but when you are the one being bit your mind plays you for the fool. So yes, I panicked. I know,it was stupid and uneducated but at that point in my life I had knowingly only meet 1 person who had HIV. So, to have within 2 weeks, not only started dating someone who was HIV+, but then be bitten by them was a lot to handle.

I hid everything. All my fears, all my hurt and the more apparent mark on my arm. I didn't tell anyone what had happened, I didn't want my friends to know, and I especially didn't want my ex to know. So alone I would sit in confusion, not knowing why this had happened, sinking into a dark place of my own design.

A week passed and he called. Can you please come over, he asked. We really need to talk. I don't know why I agreed, but I did. Maybe it was curiosity, how could a 30 year old man justify biting someone. Or maybe it was to see him grovel, to see that this had caused him pain. Or maybe it was because i really did like him..... Unfortunately for me the latter was the reason, and the cause of a lot more heartache.

so I did.

I left his apartment in total confusion. I had no idea what had happened or why it had. One moment I was laying in the safety of his arms and the next I was standing there fumbling to get my cloths on while he hurled insults at me. I couldn't respond to his attacks, I felt vulnerable standing there naked trying to find my clothes, I wanted to just close my eyes and make it all go away. Why was he doing this, what had I said that could have possibly caused such a violent response.

My hands were shaking and I was trying so hard to keep it together. My mind was screaming Please STOP! Finally i was dressed and I just ran, ran down the stairs through the living room to the door, I flung the door open, and I was out. Of course I made sure I locked the door so he wouldn't have to worry about it. Wait, what? Why did I even care.

So I made it home, again confused, not knowing what I did to upset him the way I had. I know he has had a very hard life, I know he has many trust issues, but what could I have possibly said that made him react that way. Why, did he react that way?? Even if I had said something that was offensive, shouldn't he have known I didn't mean it. Couldn't he have just confronted me and told me that he had taken offense? At which point I would have felt horrible and apologized and known never to say something like that again. Instead I was humiliated and left wondering why.

Not knowing what I had done, but knowing it obviously had upset him, i decided to write him an email. I just wanted to apologize. Even if I was unclear as to why, I knew it had caused him pain and I wanted him to know that wasn't my intention. Up until that moment I had been in heaven. I couldn't believe I had found someone like him and I really didn't want to lose him so quickly.

He called the next day, we talked, and I went over to his place. We continued to see each other every day. I wasn't working. The company I worked for was bought so my job had been cut. I didn't start my new job for another month. He had quit his job, so all we had was time for each other.

A little about me. I have always been extremely sensitive, living life with my heart on my sleeve. Not a good thing or bad thing just a statement. On the other hand I tend to be very realistic when it comes to life. Those two traits really work against each other. How can a romantic be realistic? It has been a constant conflict I struggle with all the time. It's maddening. So what would be the worst possible scenario for me, love at first sight. What makes it worse, when the other person has no boundaries.

So about a week had passed, things were moving along ok. This being the case I confronted my ex (remember I was still living with him), and told him I was dating someone and that I might not be home every night. No problems there. So I pretty much started staying with the boy every night. It worked on many different levels, we got to spend time together without me having to watch the clock, which sucked. I could fall asleep in his arms and even better wake up and have him be the very first thing I would see in the morning. It also meant I could take him to the methadone clinic. Having quit heroin, he had started methadone which is completely regulated by the government. The clinic was open at very specific times and if you missed those windows you were fucked. Truly fucked, because without the methadone you would be left to go through heroin withdrawals, which is just not an option. So we would get up and drive downtown every morning for his dose. I didn't mind, I mean, this was helping him fight his addiction to heroine so of course I was supportive. However, I did tell him if I ever found out that he used again I would fucking kill him.

So we have our morning ritual down, then the boy decided he needed a new computer. I'm going to cut to the chase with this one. Basically after talking about it he asked me if I could buy him a laptop and he would pay me back. Of course my heart automatically says yes, but then that realist part of me is saying no. So my mind is battling my heart. He's your boyfriend, you've only know him a week, he makes you feel like no one else ever has, he can without warning go from love to hate with me, he needs to know I trust him, he needs to respect my boundaries. So the battle of the heart and mind ends, and my heart was victorious. Although my mind was not ready to be defeated.

So the search for a computer begins. We drive all over LA, looking for the best deal. My mind, healed and stronger now from the beating it took earlier decides it wants a rematch. It wins, and I finally tell him I am not entirely comfortable buying him a computer. I'm not working, my money is running out and I just don't think its a good idea. He was pissed at first and asked why I didn't say no right from the start. I responded that I agreed because I wanted to be able to do it for him, but I just didn't think I could. There was some tension there but we moved on.

Then one night we went out to eat. We head back to his place. Something happens and we start arguing. I honestly can't remember what caused the fight or even what it was about, but it was escalating. Finally, I drive up to his apartment, the fight at full speed and tell him to get out. He then starts a barrage of insults. I was selfish, insensitive, ugly, no one would ever want to date me because of how hideous I was. I was the worst lay he had ever had. I told him to get out of the car. He continued to scream at me. Finally, the accusations being made against me had become so ridiculous I just started laughing, which I'm sure didn't help but the situation was laughable.

I was being accused of being selfish. I would drive him every morning to the methadone clinic, i would pay for every dinner, actually i would pay for everything. He had no car and I would drive him anywhere he needed to go. Yet, I was selfish. I looked right in his eye's and said, you are a fucking spoiled brat and you will never find anyone who will treat you as good as I do now get out. What's his reaction? to grab my car keys, he swung the door opened and I grabbed the strap of his backpack and said give me my keys back. At which point he flung back around, grabbed my arm and, are you ready for this, bites me. I think at that point my body went limp, I mean, I was just bit by a 6 ft 4 in 30 year old man. He then got out, and I locked the doors. Luckily, he left something in my car, I think it was his ipod. So he comes to my window and demands it back, I told him to give me my car keys and I would. (A side note important for what happens next. 6 months prior to us meeting my father had passed away. I'm very close to my family, especially my father.) So he throws the keys at me and i hand him the ipod. So instead of walking away he turns back to me and said, "You're the reason your fathers dead, you are such a pathetic loser." And with that he walked away.

That statement really didn't hit me till later because I was trying to stop the blood running down my arm from where he had bit me.