So one constant through our relationship was the skewed level of support, encouragement, and understanding. It was the boy's belief that I needed to be there at his beck and call. He was in constant need of attention and if I didn't jump immediately all hell broke loose. Now a lot of these emergencies I started to realize were not emergencies at all, but more along the lines of a test of my love. So then I had to figure out which was a real call for help, and which was a test of commitment.

On the other hand, if I needed emotional support I would have been better off flagging down a stranger on the street. Anytime I needed ANYTHING, minus 1 instance, I was self absorbed. Let me clarify something, I never felt that just because I did something I deserved something in return. And while all of this was happening none of this even crossed my mind, but now that I can stand back and look at the situation it is interesting to see the lack of compassion he had for me.

Now, a lot of the boys supposed lack of pity towards others comes from his past. Which I tried to explain to him on numerous occasions was not a fair way to look at things. Anytime there was someone who was hurt or some great tragedy had fallen on a person, be it someone we knew, myself, or in the news, his response was always the same. He would site that he had been homeless, addicted to heron, no money for food, no one he could trust. He was the one that deserved restitution, he was more badly hurt than anyone. Yet what he would fail to see was that he put himself into those situations. Every tragedy that befell him was in fact because of his own choices. He chose to use heron, which then resulted in homelessness. People lacking in trust in him was a result of his constant lying and manipulations. A person who just lost their home and everything they own because a fire ripped through miles of land deserves some compassion, they didn't start the fire, they where victims.

That being said he would then do things that would surprise me. If he saw someone on the street that was homeless he would buy them food. If a friend needed money or something he would offer it. I think if he could relate to the pain he would offer support, otherwise you were on your own.

So, that being said when I found out about my hiv status you would think that he would have taken me in his arms, held me tight as to protect me from the world. Instead he wanted to go to a crowded restaurant, sit on the street and sit elbow to elbow with the other patrons. I look back now and can't believe that day. All I wanted was for him to take me home and hold me, thats all. I didn't want it to be a big deal, I didn't even want to talk about it, I just wanted him to hold me and tell me it was going to be ok. Of course anytime I tried to hug him for longer than 5 seconds I would get pushed away so I don't know why this situation should have been any different.

The other issue I was going to have to face eventually was how I got it. I knew, but I also knew I could never tell him. This was such a slippery slope I was on. If I told him the truth, he would blame himself and it would have ended our relationship because he wouldn't have been able to look at me. If I lied I was then going to look like I was cheating on him, which I wasn't. None of this really mattered though, he broke up with me the next day. He couldn't handle it anymore.

Crushed and alone I sat in my apartment wondering how and why he would do this to me. I felt so used, so alone, and borderline suicidal. A few days later we talk and get back together. Although the pain and betrayal of being left alone when I truly needed him would always be there.

I then received a phone call from my boss, he needed me in the corporate office on Friday. He had known about all my Doctors appointments and that I had been very sick the last few months, but he didn't know what the diagnosis was. So Friday came and I headed to the office, which was a good hour and a half from my apartment. When I got there he said we had to go see Dyan. Dyan was the reason I had that job. When we all lost our jobs due to the merger, she told me she wanted me to come with her and created my position.

As we walked towards her office I joking said to my boss, "am I in trouble?" He responded "oh no, she just needs to talk to us." Well, I walked in, said hello, the door closed behind me and she said "I'm sorry but we have to cut 96 positions and yours is one of them." I was speechless. Alright, 5 days ago I found out I was HIV +, now I am being told I am unemployed. Everything that happened after she said that is kind of a blur, I just wanted to get out of there.

Once in my car I called the boy, burst into tears, and told him what had happened. He said come get me right now. I told him I needed to go home first, I needed to clear my head, I needed to get signed up for unemployment ASAP, and then I would pick him up. He said that was fine. It took me 2 hours to drive home, once there I started filling out my unemployment papers, in the middle of this the boy called but I left it go to voicemail so I could finish what I was working on. He left a message. I dialed my code to listen. He couldn't keep doing this, he didn't want to talk to me, he didn't want to see me, he was over it. Again I sat there, totally confused to what I had done that was to much to handle. Alone again, in pain, scared, lost. In one week I found out I was Hiv+, was laid off at work and had my boyfriend leave me with no explanations. Looking back I guess I can understand, I mean I had 2 major life changing events happen days apart, how selfish could I be? And then to want my boyfriend to hold me and nothing more, I was being a bit demanding.

Seriously though, through out our relationship I never had a problem with him being the center of attention. I had no problem with helping him with his problems no matter how big or small. In 3 years I have had 4 events that happened where I truly needed him to be there, he was there for 1 of them eventually. And my biggest concern during all of this, that he doesn't figure out he got me sick.

So it was December, I had been working non stop for the last 2 months. I would put in no less than 13 hours a day 6 days a week. I was exhausted. I ended up getting the flu right at the time I was to move one of my stores to a new location. The process was to take 2 days and consisted of moving EVERYTHING from out current location in the mall to the new one. The first night is when the flu started to hit me. I knew I needed to be in bed but there was no way I would be able to call out for at least a week. So I worked, and come 2 am thought I wouldn't be able to make it to my car let alone drive home, and be back at the store by 8 am. I was right, I didn't even wake up until 10, oh well, if they want to get mad at me for being sick and working countless hours of overtime on top of it, so be it.

I arrived at the store around noon, everything that happened that night will have to be the subject of another blog because it is absolutely the most fucked up work experiences I have ever had. At 4 am I literally collapsed in the back of the store. I had a fever of 103 and could barely move. The store manager, who was the most professional and talented person at that company told me to go home. She had been telling me to go home sense the first night but this was the first time I was going to listen to her.

I went up to her boss who was a District Director for the company, told he I wasn't able to work anymore and I need to go home. She looked up at me and said "Really? Didn't you get here at noon?" I was dumbfounded. "Yes, I got here at noon which was 16 hours ago, I'm sick and can barely move I'm leaving." She made some bitchy comment as I turned to leave. Fuck her I thought, I don't report to her she can kiss my ass. Any good manager in that situation would have thanked me for coming in and staying as long as I did, even if I wasn't ill. Not her, she was the most back stabbing, unprofessional and clueless person I have ever worked with. I fucking hated her.

The boy always got mad at me for letting her treat me the way she did, but thats the nature of retail. He already had no sympathy for my current illness because he felt I wasn't doing anything to get better by putting in the hours I was at work. Not that I expected him to take care of me, but he never offered to come over, he never asked if he could do anything for me, nothing. The truth is, I would never have asked him to do anything, but the offer would have meant the world to me. If he would have shown up on my doorstep with chicken soup and ginger ale I would have burst into tears. Instead he felt the need to remind me it was all my fault, he had no sympathy for me and if I needed anything that I should drive over to his place. With that I proceeded to sleep for 2 days straight.

When I did finally wake up I felt a lot better, except for a pounding headache. I figured the headache was caused by sleeping for so long. Any time I oversleep I always get a headache. Although they normally don't last 3 weeks. I was popping so many pills its amazing i didn't OD. I would have to take around 6 Excedrin every 4 hours, and I did this for weeks. So I broke down and made an appointment with my doctor.

So I went in the following day, met with my Doctor and explained the situation. He said he would need to have more tests done but it could be a brian tumor but doubtful, more likely it was a sexually transmitted disease. He also wanted to know when the last HIV test i had was because there was a strong possibility that was the problem. So the took my blood and some more and some more, until they had filled 10 vials. They scheduled me to have an MRI and to see a cancer specialist. I was supposed to return once i had the results from MRI and had met with the other Doctor.

Before I could even get the MRI my doctor had left a message that I needed to come in. I knew why already. I told the boy I needed to go back for test results, he told me to call as soon as I left. So I went in, met with the doctor and heard what I had been hearing in my head the last 4 days come to life. "You're test came back positive for HIV" He then offered me a box of tissues and told me I could take a minute but not to worry it wasn't a death sentence. After that all I really heard was blah blah blah, my mind refused to put the words together for me anymore.

So I left, I called the boy, he told me t to pick him up he would leave work. So I did, we went to lunch, had an awkward time, not knowing how to deal with it and he went back to work. I went home, he broke up with me the next day.